We all just want to feel safe

It was not even 10am and I had already recited two proverbial sayings for the day. They came flying out of my mouth in reaction to my sons having a dispute about their pysslar creations (those tiny Ikea beads that end up all over the floor!). One of them had knocked the other’s, sending these pesky beads soaring. The other retaliated by knocking his brother’s over too. Some child-like name calling was exchanged. I then quickly intervened with a sermon around “two wrongs don’t make a right.” Which was shortly followed by “treat others how you want to be treated”. I then silently chuckled to myself about how unoriginal this all sounded. Such clichés! But at the same time knowing that clichés are clichés because they usually speak the truth. 

Just ten minutes later I was watching the news - the morning’s daily update about the COVID pandemic and Melbourne’s latest restrictions. And this news bulletin predictably featured the daily spotlight on the ‘newsworthy’ person reacting to these restrictions. And then there was the ‘newsworthy’ person reacting to the person who was reacting to these restrictions. I was seeing a version of my son’s pysslar bead ‘fight’ playing out on the TV - attack, and then defence by attack. Two wrongs definitely not making a right.

And I felt a strong urge to examine and discuss this ‘fight’ behaviour that we experience as human beings…

The meaning of why we ‘fight’

A Bombardier beetle sprays hot liquid ink. A snake will bite and release venom. A rhinoceros charges with its lethal horns. And a human being defends with its arms, legs or words. All of these instinctive ‘fight’ behaviours are designed purely to help a species survive. The fight is solely about staying alive. 

The human ‘fight’ reaction is well understood as one of the three different responses (i.e. in addition to ‘flight’ and ‘freeze’) for survival. These defence responses are triggered by fear - an adaptive behaviour that helps us to identify potential threats.

Stemming from this fear of danger to our physical self is a fear of threat to our psychological self.  That is, we also have a deep-rooted fear of not feeling psychologically safe. And this shows up as an innate fear of not being ‘good enough’ or feeling worthy. 

So, just like our physical self needs food, water and sleep to survive, our psychological self needs to feel acknowledged and accepted, in order to feel secure and safe. This need to feel good enough is part of needing to be accepted by others. To belong to a ‘pack’. Because in evolutionary terms, when we are regarded and accepted into a group, we have a much better chance at survival in the world.  

Our fear of not being acknowledged can therefore direct us to engage in behaviours to defend against this - one being the fight reaction. And this fight defence can be in the form of words. We attack through language when we automatically judge, make assumptions about and criticise others. Such verbal fight behaviours can lead to a momentary sense of feeling ‘strong’, and even superior. Which can impersonate feeling worthy and secure. And this gives us a misguided sense of safety.

Fear driving unkind behaviour 

The Bomardier beetle is not releasing its hot ink because it ‘enjoys’ being unkind! And for humans it’s the same. Our primary intention underneath unkind or attacking behaviour is not necessarily to hurt another person. Rather, hurting another is the collateral damage for our subconcious, hard-wired attempt to achieve a stronger sense of self. To defend against our fear[1].  

The fight defence response seems to be particularly pertinent to what we are experiencing in the world right now. There is currently a lot of disparity in the way people are feeling about the COVID-19 pandemic - the virus, the restrictions, and its implications. Opinions seem to be polarised. And the conversations around it can be particularly heated. Mostly because our emotions are so heightened. We are naturally experiencing more anger and hopelessness, and we are increasingly anxious about the uncertainty ahead. 

And we are seeing these disparate opinions play out in the way that we are automatically judging and attacking the person (or group) with a different point of view. And the exchange becomes futile because the attacking and defending - the needing to be right and making the other person wrong - stops us from ‘hearing’ each other. Ironically, the very thing that we are trying to attain for ourselves is lost. That is, acknowledgment.

The power in acknowledgment 

The most helpful thing we can do, for ourselves and others, is to acknowledge another person. That is, to acknowledge that each person’s choices, opinions and behaviours are underpinned by our common humanity – the deep-rooted need to feel secure and safe.

Choosing to acknowledge and respect another person’s humanness does not mean agreeing with or condoning behaviour that we deem as wrong or unkind. And it certainly does not mean feeling ok about it. Rather, acknowledging means staying mindful and respectful in HOW we are speaking and showing up to another. And recognising that underpinning another’s behaviour is their own hidden story - their own complex relationship to our shared subconscious need to feel secure and safe.

We empower ourselves when choose not to react from fear. And when we choose not to react with judgment or attack. When instead, we choose to lower our instinctive verbal ‘weapons’ and see the humanness in others. If there is no attack, there is no need for defence. We can stay respectful and listen to what others have to say. And be listened to in return. We can remain firm, but peaceful. And stay passionate, but openminded. We can therefore experience healthy conversations and debates, even between groups that may never agree. 

We all just want to be acknowledged. We all just want to feel psychologically secure. Because ultimately, we all just want to feel safe. Therefore, even in our differences, we are actually all the same.

[1]The fear of not feeling secure is also what drives humans to be unkind to themselves, in the form of self-criticism. This can instead lead to the flight response (i.e. avoidance).