Turning ‘have to’ into choice

“Does this mean I now have to go back to the way things were?”

It had been six months of being told to stay at home. Six months of being told to follow a restricted way of living, with significant economical and psychological impact, that we would previously have never dreamed possible. And now, Melbourne was finally opening up. Yet in those first days following the big announcement, there seemed to be a common feeling of trepidation amongst the community . Despite restrictions loosening, many were not necessarily feeling ‘free’. And instead, were feeling somewhat apprehensive about ‘having to’ go out into the world again.

There are many factors that have contributed to people’s initial hesitancy to coming out of lockdown. One reason is due to human beings’ incredible ability to adapt. It took us much less than a year to become acquainted with a life narrower and more restricted. We became used to the predictable and safe haven provide by our homes. Suddenly, the normal way of living – venturing out to social events, in- person meet-ups, potentially crowded spaces - was less familiar to us. And we humans do not deal well with the unfamiliar. Anxiety, being the ‘spokesperson’ for unfamiliarity, pushed through and appeared to contest the excitement of being (almost) free.

Secondly, the pandemic peeled away so many layers of busyness – the pressures, demands and societal expectations that have too long overcrowded our daily lives. Lockdown exfoliated our lives;, removing much of this busyness. This forced us to really look at what matters to us. And more importantly, it begged the question of how do we really want to be spending our time? And therefore, what are not wanting to go back to in our pre-covid past?

Thirdly, our fear of returning to ‘normal’ carried with it one of the most common and subjugating statements in human language. A statement that we use so automatically without any awareness of its disempowering impact. Two simple words that carry momentous weight – ‘have to’.

We very often verbally preface our daily actions with ‘have to’…

I have to go to that meeting

I have to clean the house

I have to eat better

I have to call my family

I have to exercise

I have to go to that function

I have to stay home

And now… I have to go out in the world again.

We move throughout our day unconsciously operating through an automated rhetoric of have to’s. When these two words come together, they become one of the many faulty thinking styles that psychologists refer to as “prison words.” The have to statement imprisons us because when used, either in thought or vocalisation, it creates a sense that there is absolutely no choice or control over the situation we’re in. Prison words therefore dictate how we further think. Which commands how we then feel. (e.g. anger, resentment etc.) And this often directs how we then behave (e.g. disconnected, hostile, irritable etc.) 

Not only is the experience of have to potentially destructive to our psychology and behaviour, but it is also very often inaccurate. This is because there are few situations in our general day-to-day lives, where we literally have no choice over how we act or what we do – how we move our arms and legs and mouth. Therefore, there are very few situations where there is not more than one option (or at least a degree of choice over how we approach it). Even in the scenario where one option seems like the completely obvious choice – because the consequences of the alternative option are too unfavourable to consider – it is still a choice over our body that we, and nobody else, makes. 

Consciously recognising our choices, rather than our have to’s in life has monumental impact on how we are experiencing our moments. It does not mean that we feel like or necessarily ‘want' to take the option we choose. It may not be our preferred option. But in the particular situation we are presented with, that consist of factors beyond our control, it is the option that we are choosing to take because we, whether conscious of it or not, are deciding that it’s the best option for us. A decision, that is always underpinned by what ultimately matters to us. 

When I introduce this realism of choice with clients, the conversation will often go something like this:

Client: “I have to go to that social function because I have to go for my partner.”

Me: “And why do you have to go for your partner?”

Client: “Well, because I don’t want to let him down.”

Me: “So you don’t want to be someone who lets people down?”

Client: “Well no, of course not.”

Me: “So you want to be a supportive and reliable partner?”

Client: “Yes that’s right”.

Me: “You want to be a supportive partner, or you have to be?”

Client: “I want to be”

Me: “So do you have to go to the party? Or are you going to the party because it’s important to you to be a supportive partner? Perhaps you are then choosing to go, not because you necessarily want to, but because of what’s important to you – the person you want to be?”

The recognition of choice, rather than have to, allows us to experience a very different approach and attitude towards our experiences. As in the words of Victor Frankl, “to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, is to choose one’s own way.” This takes us from a place of disempowerment and struggle to one of empowerment and lightness. 

So, the answer is ‘no’ - we don’t have to return to the way things were. We can make conscious choices over how we decide to reengage with a more active life again. This firstly involves giving ourselves permission to create boundaries and saying ‘no’ to outings and activities that we decide are no longer meeting our needs or priorities. We can do this confidently and comfortably by being conscious of how we say no, in order to continue to reflect our values.

And secondly, it is important to become more aware of our have to narratives. To notice our mind’s innate resistance to what feels uncomfortable – that is, noticing its preference to take the path of least resistance and its consequential negative ‘have to’ chat. And by noticing this tendency we can instead identify what we choose to do in terms of our values, rather than our emotions. We can then empower ourselves in these choices by a simple recognition of…

“I may not feel like or want to take this action right now. But I choose to do this because of what matters to me. And I choose my attitude towards this based on the person I want to be.”

We can then make room for any anxiety, apathy or other uncomfortable emotion that we may be feeling. And recognise that our sense of power comes from recognising the choice we usually have regarding the action we take with our body, and/or the attitude we choose to bring to the situation. This is where our freedom always lies.